me and my relationship with anxiety

me and my relationship with anxiety

anxiety is a tall dark man, watching you from afar, telling you you can’t do it. he’s waiting for you to make mistakes, he’s laughing at you; making you feel far more conscious. anxiety is a loud voice surrounding you, telling you you’re worthless. you’re a loser, and nobody loves you. it’s a voice that won’t go away no matter how hard you try to shut it. it will not go away even if you act like you’re not hearing it. it’s there. and it’s telling you that you are not capable of doing anything. anxiety is darkness following you. it comes closer on your every step, it’s at your every path, and no amount of light can outshine it. anxiety is your childhood fear. no matter how much you grow, or how strong you have become, it’s there to haunt you. it makes you unable to sleep, and have trouble waking up the next day. anxiety is a tall dark man, a loud voice, darkness, and your childhood fear rolled into one. it’s your worst enemy, and no weapon can defeat it.

anxiety sucks. that’s a fact. but do you know what’s worse? it’s not having any control over it. some people think that anxiety can go away SO easily but what do they don’t know? you can’t make it go away, not even close. anxiety can attack in any time and in any place, it can occur on your way to school, while having lunch with your family, or being in public in general. it has no specific time. sometimes you may feel powerful and proud, like you can’t do anything wrong. and sometimes all you can do is just stand there with a trembling voice, sweaty palms, shaking knees, feeling like every inch of you is being swallowed by your anxiety. you feel helpless. you feel very weak, and all you want is to disappear. i’ve been there, and i am still there, and i know entirely how it feels.

i’ve had my fair share of anxiety attacks, and i wish i can’t have more. it comes with me everywhere i go, usually at school, sometimes at a public transportation. it’s literally all over the place, and i hate it. i have social anxiety, and that means anything that involves being infront of everyone’s eyes scare me. once during a school event, twice during an acting activity, thrice during a reporting, and the list goes on and on. it makes my knees weak, my hands shake, my voice crack, my eyes unable to settle at one place, and overall it makes me look like a fool. i usually think of good positive things while preparing, but it just won’t go away. and i have no idea how or if it will ever go away. it makes me feel like everyone in the room is staring at me, watching my every move, and laughing at me. it makes me feel like i’ll commit a mistake after another. it makes me feel like i can’t do it. all i can do is just get it done, go back to my seat and feel ashamed, feel so sorry for myself, and tell myself that i’ll just do better next time. but it never gets better.

it’s the same old cycle everyday, it feels like i’m stuck in a timeloop, and there’s no way to escape it. it’s there, it will always be there. and it will never be gone.

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